Valentines Ed Incubi
by alpha aquarii
Summary: A collection of oneshots featuring Death, Evil, Chaos, and a good dose of love and thoughts on Valentine's Day. Be sure to read one on your coffee break. Includes multiple pairings.
1. hearts and thigh bones

Disclaimer: The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy belongs to Maxwell Atoms and Cartoon Network Studios. I make no profits from writing this piece of (fan)fiction…but I do love celery sticks.

I'm late and out of season, but when you've got inspiration, you've got inspiration.

I suppose I should do the introduction here: This is going to be another one of my update-at-my-leisure fics composed of oneshots around a central theme—Valentine's Day. There will be fluff as well as some darker stuff. And not every oneshot will actually feature characters falling in lurve. However, Grim, Mandy, and Eris will be in each oneshot, and if they do fall in love, they'll be falling in love with each other. Which means femmeslash is always an option, as well as love triangles.

Summary: Each mortal man wishes for that, for whom he cannot have…and it is the same with supernatural beings. But then the lady in question arrives, and she has a bit of a surprise for Grim. Perhaps that old theory is not always correct after all…

_**hearts and thigh bones**_

_g r i m X e r i s _

Pink and red construction paper was strewn all across the mahogany oak table, their scraps occasionally falling onto the floor and lying there quietly. Ribbons of lace were all curled up, dropping onto the table with the careful snip of blunted scissors. Large construction-paper hearts were neatly stacked in a corner in alternating layers of pink and red.

Death and his master sat there, tracing and cutting out perfectly symmetrical hearts, each a few inches tall. Glue bottles and gluesticks were stood on their heads for the purpose of attaching lace to frame the hearts. It was an organized matter, making these paper hearts. Mandy handled the pink ones, Grim did the reds. Trace, cut, glue on lace bordering, and let it dry. They would be personalized by her later.

"Shame we can't give them actual beating hearts," she remarked.

"A shame, but Hades would probably start complainin' if I tried anyway." He peered over the bright red heart he was tracing with stencils. Yes, goddamn plastic stencils. It was demeaning work, considering his status, but he couldn't honestly complain. With Billy out of the house and Mandy too preoccupied with making her classmates' valentines to really boss him around, this was almost enjoyable. The girl seemed almost relaxed—well, relaxed like a tiger would be before it leaped.

"Pass me some lace."

He obliged. The quiet made him thoughtful. Valentine's Day was today, and it happened to fall on the weekend. Tomorrow Mandy's school would be celebrating it, a day late, but nevertheless they'd be celebrating it. Handing out Valentine cards and candy—one of the many ways mortals had wrecked every inch of what holidays stood for.

Beneath all the sugared glee, the whole 'love' concept was insignificant, unimportant, merely a throwaway word with today's generation. What was the point of Mandy giving Valentines to everyone when she loved none?

Still, as he adorned the hearts with lace, he couldn't help wondering. He'd met Eros before, or _Cupid_ as he was now called. And a very snobby little youth he was, with a penchant for occasionally humming along to bubble-gum pop. Nevertheless, he was the god of love, passion, desire…and of course, he was the one to prophesize that Death himself would fall into love's matrix one day. This was made less believable by the fact Eros was also singing under his breath, "I'm a Barbie Girl…in a Barbie wo-o-orld…"

But it seemed that the young god indeed was speaking the truth, because now love's ensnarements had begun to reach for him. When Grim thought about love and himself, a curvy, vindictive blonde came to mind. He'd probably never have her—he was probably like a worm at her feet, a pathetic, whacked nothing that dimmed her awesome presence —but that didn't keep him from thinking about her, thinking about love. He wanted her. A lady with an enticing and occasionally insane laugh, along with the extraordinary desire for all things out of order—

He was always the type who fell for the mysterious, the self-confident…the _chaotic_.

"Grim, you'd be a lot more _grim_ if you'd stop smiling all the time, you know. Get back to work on my Valentines."

"Right." He coughed and hid his smile.

Thirty minutes later there were three stacks of nine hand-crafted paper hearts each, all set up with lace glued and dried. Mandy set down her glue bottle and shuffled around some of the scraps on the floor with her feet.

"They're almost ready for the names," she said, taking one of the reds and critiquing Grim's craftsmanship. "There's just one missing component. I have big, new plans this year for Valentine's."

"And dey would be…?"

Her eyes glittered, and suddenly he wondered if it was so bad living with her. "Chaos."

-

He retreated from the kitchen and sat next to Mandy on her rose-hued couch. As always, the TV was on. "Well, I called her."

"And?"

"She'll be here once she finishes teasing Aphrodite."

"How come Eris gets to tease Aphrodite and I don't?"

"I'll take you to meet her one day, I promise."

Mandy stretched out next to him, propping her tiny feet against his femur. Speaking of Aphrodite reminded Grim of one of Mandy's statements.

_Romance is for the weak-minded._

Oh, he'd definitely have to tell Aphrodite that one.

Was he weak-minded? Of course, as Mandy would say, and her eyes contained nothing but the truth.

But he wouldn't mind so much if only Eris would come here sooner, dressed in her wickedly white Greek garb that offered all her curves. Chaos and Death would make a good team, he thought. One usually led to the other.

Still, his fantasies were in vain, weren't they? Eris seemed to like mortal men, gods, Titans—skeletons did not seem to be her thing. She probably lusted for muscles and flesh she could pet, and he had none. She could be still dating Hoss for all he knew.

He gave Mandy a fleeting glance. There was another being destined to be a loner through life, but she was one contented with it. And if there was no hope for Mandy, there was certainly no hope for him, because even she was quite pretty once you got past the death glares…After all, he had seen her smile…

He pondered in silence until the explosion.

It was delivered in a burst of snowy white before the TV, the kind of white that blinds your eyes when the sun hits it. Grim covered his eyes with a bony hand. The television was muted.

Out of the crackling light came a high-pitched, maniacal laugh not unlike Billy's mom's. Then _she_ stepped forth, arms wide.

"Hello, sweethearts. Having a good Valentine's?"

Eris was no Aphrodite. Her face was too wide, her eyes too dark a shade of blue, her figure too stout, her smile missing a tooth—but Grim found he preferred it that way. Her imperfections were what made her so desirable…

Her lips, a deep, dark red, the color of blood. They parted in surprised delight when Mandy revealed her plans. Apparently he'd been too busy staring at her to realize the pleasantries had been made, and now it was down to business. "Oh, my, Mandy, such a wonderful idea! Chaos does best with little immature buffoons like you and your classmates—you brats just don't know where or how to stop!" She laughed a tittering, pleased laugh. "This will be great!"

The two girls headed to the dining room, leaning their heads together. Grim was left on the couch like a tired old toy. Whispers of their conversation reached him through the walls and he listened, rapt.

"Apple…can you…does it have enough…my darling, of course it can be done…"

He heard the clanking of knives, the dribbles of juice. Something seemed to explode and he winced.

A few minutes later, Mandy strutted out of the room carrying the Valentines and looking strangely satisfied. She spared him a glance and a couple sentences, which was more than usual.

"I got Eris to put a seed from her apple in each of these Valentines. You should come to school with me tomorrow, bonehead. The show's going to be great." She placed her foot on the bottom step of the staircase. "I'm going to go personalize these now. Have fun with Eris."

Somehow, the way she said that last sentence made him shiver, like Mandy knew something she shouldn't. He had no more time to ponder though, as the moment she disappeared another blonde poked her head out of the dining room.

"Oh, hello, Grim. I have a favor to ask of you, darling. Will you help a poor goddess out?" she pouted.

He stood up, suddenly nervous. "Uh, hi Eris. Sure I'll help you…"

"Let's go outside, shall we?" In one move, she straightened her tiara and grasped Grim by the hand, dragging him toward the front door.

When they were outside, Eris batted her eyelashes at him, showcasing her magenta eyelids. It was a beautiful, clear-skied day, and she glowed in the sun, her tanned skin suddenly brightened. She was a goddess of gold now, standing uncomfortably close to him.

"I like your little friend," she breathed. "Such a fiery little vixen…if only she'd join me…"

He laughed a little, nearly backed up against Mandy's closed front door. Something pricked and buzzed in him where his heart out to be. Her hand was still clutching his, her divinely illuminated flesh, looking like something out of heaven from the light…

On instinct, he looked up. Something moved by Mandy's window and he knew she was watching him.

"Oh…yeah…Mandy's really someting…haha…"

She released his hand. "Nice day out, hmm?"

"Uh…yeah…"

"Perfect for _chaos_." She gave him a toothy smile. "Speaking of which…the favor. I was wondering if you'd like to help me give my own kind of Valentine to the man I love...you know what I mean. I _do_ love him, ever so much, and I think he deserves something _chaotically _special this year." Swiftly, she grasped both his hands. "What say you, Grim? Will you help me deliver discord to my Valentine?"

The buzzing in his (metaphorical) heart faded away. _The man I love…_ He immediately thought of Prometheus, Adonis, Apollo, even Hoss. What he'd give to be one of them…oh, what he'd give, indeed. He'd let himself be enslaved by Billy and Mandy for all eternity if Eris would just join him…

She must have mistaken his expression for rejection, for she stuck out her bottom lip and laced her voice with sorrow. "Oh, won't you help me, Grim? I'm daddy's least favorite child, you know…He still hasn't forgiven me for the little skirmish at Troy. And it hurts. I get lonely…and I need this man to give me the love Daddy never did…" She blinked, her eyes suddenly exaggerated with tears. "And you're just who I want to help me win his heart…powerful…dark…Oh, please help me, Grim?"

She was just too beautiful when she pretended to be sad. And even though he knew she was only being dramatic, he gave in. "Alright, I'll help you, Eris."

"Woo-hoo! Oh, yay!" She embraced him for a second as if he was a squeaky toy, then pulled away before he could register any joy or surprise. "He's gonna love it, Grim! Well, after he gets over the bites…" she trailed off. "Now, I need you to stand still…"

He complied, standing rigid on Mandy's doorstep, feeling hollow. What was he thinking? He was going to help Eris get the man she wanted so that he could feel even more lonesome?

"Oh, perfect! Now…"

She leaned in closer, and he expected her to do some sort of magic on him. Instead, she quickly closed the space between them until there was none left, until they were pressed against each other, until he could feel her warm skin against his dead bones—and then she wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him long and deep.

He wanted to gasp, but he had no air…not that he needed it. Eris…kissing…him! He of all people, not Hoss or any god, but him! The Grim Reaper! And he smiled when she stayed there and didn't leave. Mandy was watching him, probably pressing her dour little face to the window now, but he didn't mind…In fact, he smiled and closed his eyes, at complete ease.

And Eris smiled too, he could feel her rich lips turn up at the corners…he didn't even notice when she unhooked one arm from his neck and reached for her Apple.

There was an explosion sounding like a firecracker above his head, and he was showered in something. Quite a few somethings, actually. Something dry and prickly and several somethings that crawled all over and bit him.

His eyes shot wide open and Eris pulled away, laughing. He immediately looked up, and something fell into one of his eye sockets.

Her golden apple was only a few inches above his head, belching out bouquets of dead black roses and handfuls of tiny scorpions creeping all over his robe. He yelped in pain as one sunk its fangs into his finger.

She flicked a scorpion off her wrap and walked into the middle of the street, still giggling hysterically. She glanced at him again as he did a little dance in an attempt to beat off the scorpions while roses were sprayed at him, their thorns hooking onto his robe.

"I told you he'd love it," she smiled. "Ta-ta, Grim! And happy Valentine's, darling." She snapped her fingers and the Apple reappeared in her hand, but somehow the flow of flowers and bugs did not cease.

She disappeared, no doubt to go tell Aphrodite how she celebrated Valentine's, Grim thought. Piles of withered petals were at his feet as he continued to howl and stomp out the scorpions that fell and bit where he stood. But his smile remained, and he wondered if even Mandy up there was trying to hide a smirk…

-

"George," she muttered, handing the boy a paper heart. He grabbed it eagerly and Mandy moved on.

"And this is for you, Grim," she said, offering him her last Valentine. It was a lilac pink heart that seemed slightly larger than everyone else's.

He accepted it, smiling dreamily and still thinking of yesterday. "Tank you, child."

In neat black marker the words 'Romance is for the weak-minded' were centered on the front. The traditional sentence 'Happy Valentine's Day, Grim' was an inch below. He turned it over. One dull gold apple seed was attached to the back. A few classmates had mistaken it for candy and attempted to swallow the little thing.

Mandy snapped her fingers, and the seeds began to glow.

The roof of the school collapsed halfway at the center, and the windows cracked and gave way. Chairs began to rock unsteadily as the tiled school floor gave a few nervous tremors.

That was their only warning.

A horde of nightmarish, distorted creatures from the Underworld poured in at each breach, whipping tails, boasting tentacles, and breathing fire, attracted to the lure of the seeds. Things began to break, and break noisily.

The schoolchildren threw up their arms and began to run and scream. Above their racket Grim could hear Ms. Butterbean attempting to calm the class in vain as desks were tipped, the blackboard crashed, and staplers flew through the air. Billy ran past, shrieking as his underwear caught fire.

Mandy joined Grim at the back of the room. He could barely hear her underneath all the noise. "You know, this chaos thing isn't as overrated as I thought it would be."

"You may be right, girl." He happened to look down at the Valentine again. Underneath the now sparkling seed were a few more small letters he hadn't noticed.

'_P.S. Good luck with Eris, bonehead.'_

He smiled.

'_Not really.'_

Mandy caught his eye as he ducked a flying textbook. "Happy Valentine's Day."

**End.**

Don't you just love clichés?!?

Finally, I get to write GrimxEris. I've wanted to do it for the longest time. Constructive criticism appreciated.

Commercial part of the fic: I am offering my services as a beta reader for fics in this fandom. The official "advertisement" is in the 'Anything Grim and Evil' forum; you'll see the thread. I think alerts are finally working again, but feel free to reply to the thread as it's just generally easier.

On the other hand, I'm also looking for a beta for stuff I write. Hopefully someone will be interested. If no one is, then I'll just hope you enjoyed the oneshot.


	2. they turned black

Don't expect updates to always come this fast (yes, this is considered fast.) If this is going to be anything like my other collection of oneshots in another fandom, months will pass before something new comes out. Fortunately, I've got something else for this in the making now, but in all probability, this will definitely look deserted most of the time.

Summary: Mandy, Grim, and Eris each receive their own special Valentines…but the funny thing is that none of them are very thrilled.

…_**they turned black**_

_i. THE FIXED_

Mandy walked home from school that day alone, and from a few feet away she could see the pink mailbox bulge. Something brown was poking out of it; a bulky piece of mail in all probability, but her house rarely received anything other than the odd bill. She tugged open the lid. A package was inside with no return address, but her name printed on a white label stuck to the front.

She carried the parcel—a cardboard box, actually, sealed with duct tape—into her room and set it on her bed. Was it worth opening?

Eventually, curiosity won her over and she scoured her room for a pair of scissors. Finding none, she opted for a pocketknife instead and rid the box of the clumsy tape. She opened the cardboard flaps and dumped the contents on the floor.

What looked like an explosion of pink, red, and white tumbled out. She stared. A valentine's nightmare.

Among the mess of items was a pile of boxes filled with candy hearts, several cherry-red lollipops, and heaps of heart-shaped stickers. Plastic heart ornaments were strewn among the pile, some obviously homemade. There was even a small but heavy paperweight pink heart lying there on the ground, reading 'My Baby' in olden script dead center. Inside it was a heap of white glitter suspended in some fluid that made the glitter fly around when the paperweight was moved, rather like a snowglobe.

The largest item was the only thing not heart-shaped: a construction-paper card about a foot tall. She retrieved it from the pile with two fingers and stared at it with narrow eyes. On the front panel there was a multitude of hearts overlapping each other. Inside, the words 'Dear Mandy, my honey,' were inscribed, the handwriting reeking of a lovesick boy. 'Happy Valentine's Day' was in cursive and all caps, and 'From your valentine, Irwin' was under that.

She dropped the card in disgust.

How could she be so foolish? It should have been obvious, so why hadn't she noticed? She kicked the stinking pile of affection and then immediately regretted touching its repulsiveness.

Mandy sat down on the side of her bed facing away from the mess. Today she had received about twenty-five valentines, and the one Irwin gave her was small enough to make her suspicious. Well, now those suspicions were cleared.

She'd trashed every single heart-shaped folly once class was over. Love.

Wouldn't it be truly horrible to feel that need, the need of being wanted, the need for company? Depending on someone else for stability, for happiness—as if you couldn't do it by yourself. How disgusting it was, to subject oneself to that great desire for another, the need to see them, breathe them, my love, my only, my beautiful, my darling—

And of course, there would always be that great gaping empty spot that was left when the glorious lover fell out of love and back to life. She was always the person to inflict that wound, and she had no want of it being the other way around.

Stupid holiday. Stupid love. In most cases, it wasn't even love at all. It was lust, or some equally degrading feeling. How humanity embarrassed her sometimes...

Abruptly, Mandy stood up and grabbed the glittery paperweight. It was about the size of her fist. She stalked over to her window and heaved it open. She could see into Billy's bedroom, for their houses were merely a street apart. His window was closed and Grim was sitting on the bed.

She leaned back like a pitcher, the paperweight in her right hand the baseball. In one swift motion she lurched forward and threw the paperweight. It went flying right through her open window and, coupled with inertia and sheer force, crashed right through Billy's and landed on the floor.

The sound of the glass breaking calmed her down a little. She slammed her window shut and stormed back to her bed.

"I hate Valentine's Day."

_ii. THE PERSUADED_

Grim sat in Billy's bedroom after school, drumming his fingers. He'd sent a valentine to Eris just a few moments ago, and now he sat in suspense, waiting for a reaction that might not even come. He was lying whenever he said he was over her, valley-girl impression or not.

She was a goddess, and he a reaper from the banes of Hell. But that blasted 'hope is a doubled-edged sword' theory had yet to sink into his subconscious. Thinking and fretting about it made him feel worse, knowing she didn't care a bit for him. Not a single damn bit.

Someone came flying in through the door.

"Hi, Grim!"

"Billy."

"I wanted to give you something," Billy said, smiling.

"Alright, get it over with," he replied, hardly paying attention. He was starting to sound as sulky as Mandy nowadays.

"HERE!"

Out of the blue, Billy pulled out something from behind his back and stuck it right in front of Grim's face.

It was a gigantic heart, all colored pink and cut out of flat cardboard. He could see the streaks of cheap marker on the valentine as well as the brown-grey spots Billy had missed. In childish handwriting were the words, 'I LOVE YOU, GRIM!' with the 'LOVE' scratched out several times and re-spelled.

The heart was caked in mud all over its edges, front, and back, and flies and mosquitoes swarmed around it, buzzing. He pushed the valentine away from his face.

"Billy…what is dis?"

Billy bounced on his heels, his voice high-pitched and glad. "In art class today we were supposed to make a valentine to the ones we _lurved_!"

He cringed. "Dat doesn't explain why it's all muddy."

"I dropped it in a mud puddle while I was walking home. I think it looks much fresher and from the heart this way, huh?"

"From your heart, definitely," Grim mumbled.

"Yeah," Billy gushed. Suddenly, he tossed the Valentine to the side, and wrapped his muddy arms around Grim's body. "I LOVES YOU SO MUCH, GRIM!"

Grim shuddered and pushed Billy off, spewing a variety of grossed-out noises. "What are you doing, boy?"

"I loves you, Grim! We'd been through so much together, and—and—" At the peak of his excitement, Billy farted. "I LOVES YOU! Grim, you don't know it, but I'm telling you now, babe-ehh: You're like the dad I never had!"

"…Billy, you have a dad. Remember? He's downstairs."

"Oh. Do I?" Grim sighed. He could practically see the thought bubbles above Billy's head. "Well then, I'm off to profess my unadulterated, unrestricted love for him. BYE GRIM!"

In another blink, the boy had flown back out the door.

Grim blinked, noticing the muddy heart still on the rug. He picked it up and stared at it, swatting away the flies. Something echoed in his mind: _I LOVES YOU, GRIM!_

Billy…loving him…That was wrong on so many levels …He was the Grim Reaper, not a father to this idiot of a boy! He was fierce, he was cold and heartless, for goodness sakes…and now he suddenly felt the urge to smash something, being reminded of Eris at the 'heartless' part of his thought.

Before he could move, there was a dreadful crash. Grim turned around. Something had been thrown through the window. Most of the glass had fallen inwards, their sharp, triangular points digging into the rug. Well, now _he_ didn't have to smash something, at any rate.

He caught a fleeting glance of Mandy as she closed her window and sat back on her bed. Her voice was muffled, but enunciated clearly enough for him to hear.

"I hate Valentine's Day."

She sounded like a woman barely containing her anger. Nothing new. He picked up the object that was bulky enough to have broken through a window. A paperweight heart filled with white glitter. It was quite heavy, and when he turned it he saw 'My Baby' written on the outside.

He snorted with laughter. Apparently Irwin had gotten to the girl already.

He set the paperweight back down on the ground and looked back at the muddy Valentine Billy had given him. It had fallen. Disgusting—there were maggots all over the crusty thing.

Valentine's Day. It brought so many feelings he'd rather do without. Hell, no, he didn't exactly _want_ to be in love with Eris. He was the Grim Reaper, he couldn't be falling in love left and right, but he was and there was no chasing the feeling off until he was either dumped or picked up by her. He probably needed to be dumped in order for him to feel cold and harsh, angry, again. But the feelings weren't chased off yet…It made him nervous even though he didn't want to be. So he had made his move, made himself completely susceptible to her reactions.

Eris, the damned woman. He had grown an intense affection for her ever since she started the Trojan War. So many lives he took, all those years—his high point, all thanks to her. She had heard of his admiration and took a chance with him, but wasn't impressed, so it seemed. He closed his eyes and tried to drive away the words she'd told him that night.

_You're such a cliché, Grimmy, with your whole 'Ooh, I'm Death, I'm so scary, you better drop to your knees' thing. I thought you'd be cooler than this, you know. I can pick up guys like you a dime a dozen…a dime a dozen… dime a dozen…dime…_

His fists clenched. The danger of Memory Lane was that it brought back all those cursed feelings. He'd have a hard time escaping the path once he'd started. And now, again, he was relieving that sinking sensation where his heart ought to be…

Valentine's Day. A day for hearts, for flowers, for sickeningly sweet food-colored candies. Why, why? People fell in love every day. Why did mortals feel the need to dedicate an entire holiday to the everyday occurrences of life, albeit one of the more horrible ones?

Love made people vulnerable. It was as easy as that.

He didn't want to be vulnerable—to Eris, to Atrocia, to Malaria, to anybody.

_I am the Grim Reaper—Master of the forces of Life and Death!_ he had cried in vain that day in Limbo.

Maybe Mandy's mantra was right after all. He stared down at the muddy heart dirtying the floor.

"I hate Valentine's Day."

_iii. THE METAMORPHOSED_

Eris was perched on her bed, a majestic canopy creation all made of gold and diamonds with the softest silk sheets and blankets. Her legs were crossed and she was duly focused on filing her already-perfect nails. It was good to be home on Olympus again, no matter for how short a time. Her old room was just as beautiful as ever. The Apple of Discord lay next to her neatly, emitting great whiffs of chaos that only the goddess herself was sensitive to. So peaceful…so serene…it made her want to gag, actually.

With a crackle, someone appeared in front of her. The young cherub-like face formed first, then the lean, fit body, and finally all of his accessories. Eris forced a grin and dropped her nail file onto the bed.

"Hello, Eros," she purred.

He was grumbling something, his quiver full of bows sitting crooked on his shoulder. "Do you know what I just had to go through? I had to deliver this gigantic box of enchanted chocolates to some girl from the guy. They were heavy as crud—I think I nearly broke my back carrying them. The box was about three feet tall, with five layers of chocolates, and do you know what she did after I think I cracked my spine bringing them to her?"

"No, but please do enlighten me," the goddess smirked. "How _chaotic_ was it?"

"Well, apparently this guy has been sending her box after box of chocolates already, through snail-mail, air-mail, and zombie-mail, and she was at the breaking point. But she had no right to take it out on me! She actually went _hi-yah_—" He pretended to kick something very, very hard, "right—right—" He motioned towards his crotch.

She winced. "Ow. Though I am impressed with how the little fiend defied you."

He sighed. "All the same, it's getting ridiculous how little these monsters of the Underworld respect us gods and goddesses these days. I'm getting so tired from all this Valentine-delivering in the Underworld. Why can't Hermes do it? He's the messenger god, after all."

"Yes, but you're the god of passion and desire and all those kinky little things," she smiled. "Plus, you only get as overworked as this one day a year, darling."

"Right, right. But I'm still telling Mother about that little beast! I'm sure she'll let me inflict some isolating curse on her. I'm going to be delivering the rest of these accursed Valentines doubled-over because of her!" He hmphed, then appeared to deflate a little. "Anyways, I've got a Valentine for you too, Eris."

"Oh, really? From whom?"

"Here," he said, magicking up a bouquet of dead asters and blackened chrysanthemums. "The card's inside, I believe. Thanks for listening, I gotta run."

Eros disappeared and she examined the bouquet carefully. The thorns had been left on; such was the etiquette of the Underworld. Each of the flowers was wilted and drooping, but still retained impressive beauty. The finest of the dead, but she didn't quite share their style. She fondled one of the crisped petals in her fingers. Its edges were slightly sharp from rot but still soft in the middle. It made no difference though—she preferred her plants alive.

The flowers were tied together by a pretty black silk ribbon and a short length of plastic wrap. A small black card was held to the flowers by the ribbon. She carefully pulled it out.

A small spray of bat confetti shot out of the card, dancing once into the air and then falling onto her lap. Definitely enchanted. She frowned. Perhaps this was a bit morbid for her tastes, not even counting the flowers.

She read on. It was one of those store-bought Underworld cards bearing an unbelievably cheesy greeting inside that was more like a pick-up line than a Valentine's message. This one read 'It's a good thing I'm already dead, baby—because your looks could kill! Happy Valentine's Day!' It was signed 'The Grim Reaper', as if his proper title could woo her any more than his despicable appearance and his absolutely _clichéd_, overdone personality.

The goddess made a little noise of disgust and dropped the flowers onto the ground. She placed the card on top of the pile and snapped her fingers; her Valentine's gift turned to ash.

What was he thinking, sending her a Valentine? She'd thoroughly expressed her nonexistent feelings for the reaper several times before, and he still had that goddamned crush on her? (She was allowed to say that, seeing that she was a goddess and had all the powers to damn him if he wasn't already hellish scum.) And still he gave her a Valentine. Her only Valentine this year, in all probability, since not many people seemed to like her.

She never could figure out why she was so disliked. Maybe it was the whole 'chaos' thing, since monsters and mortals alike seemed to want stability, security. Chaos _did _always give them a little bit of the unexpected.

But it was pointless to moan, as this was her unspoken duty as Goddess of Chaos. She just sometimes wished people would be a bit more accepting. It did sometimes get lonely…after all, they all prayed to Aphrodite when they wanted love, Ares when they wanted victories, Athena when they wanted wisdom…no one ever sacrificed to her. No one seemed to like chaos except the losers like Grim, and he was probably more attracted to the fact that she'd given him more opportunities to collect souls than for who she was.

Perhaps she was being a bit harsh, a bit selective, but she was a goddess after all. Didn't she deserve someone divine, someone not quite as morbid yet _lame_ as Grim? There was a time where she'd gotten so lonely, so fed up with the thought that no god or titan wanted her that she'd lowered herself to chasing mortal men, who were wooed so much more easily.

She'd amused herself with Hoss for a while, but all the gods and goddesses had talked about her behind her back. What hypocrites—Zeus was always going out with and nymphs and nereids and the sort, so who was he to dare mock her? Perhaps his status as the king of gods gave him some authority over everyone else, but that was irrelevant if this indeed was a question of morals.

So she'd gotten rid of Hoss—hell, mortals were exhausting, and after a while they no longer worshipped her and instead considered _themselves_ superior for simply being able to date her. Well, that was what Eris told herself, at any rate.

No one likes chaos…

She picked up her Apple and stroked it lovingly. But she loved chaos, she was born to create it and wreck havoc upon all that was…

Men shouldn't matter, should they? Didn't she always have chaos to amuse herself with if she got lonely? Chaos made her happy, just like the men. But they were not equal virtues after all; she was the _Goddess_ of _Chaos_ foremost and attractive blonde babe second.

Right?

Right, she told herself silently, wistfully. The sun was going down, one glorious moment of color so close to the mountain, and then it was gone. She snapped her fingers and the candles in her room alighted.

Love be damned. She didn't need love, especially from desperate seekers like Grim. She had chaos. Love was insufficient; it would never fill the hunger in her like chaos would.

Chaos is what matters, the downright, dirty out-of-order stuff. People screaming, buildings on fire, or just an enraged truck driver going on a temper tantrum. Chaos is the good stuff. Love…love is tiresome and dull compared to chaos. She didn't need love, and that was decided. She needed chaos.

Holidays celebrating love…they were pathetic, she thought. There are much better things to celebrate than love. Stupid Grim, he'd fallen under and into the trap, the guise of love, where you were inexplicably attracted to someone and you couldn't live without them…

And Eros. She didn't have anything against him, but didn't he get tired, day after day shooting arrows at people and watching them repeat the same head-over-heels ritual? Did he mind, or was it a familiar sight by now?

…You can't see when you're head-over-heels.

Love would only get you heartbroken in the end. Mortals would eventually die and be separated, while even the immortals didn't love forever. It was too exhausting to be bound to one person throughout time. There were always little betrayals, little one-night stands and sometimes whole other lovers on the side. Even Aphrodite would cheat with Ares and others. Love cannot last forever.

But can chaos?

Eris held her Apple in her cupped palms. She would try, and she would succeed. _There_…there was something better than love. Entertaining, powerful, self-sufficient to spark happiness in her. Love was so derogatory to oneself, really…She crinkled her brow and loaded her voice with disgust.

"I hate Valentine's Day."

**End.**

Eris's section is a bit lengthy, but I wanted dearly to explore her character. That's what I like about minor characters; there's so much room for speculation. Constructive criticism appreciated.

Wait, no one listens to me when I say that. How about this: GIVE ME CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, YOU IDIOTS! In particular, I want to know if the three character's perspectives sound repetitive and how to fix it if they do. I'd also like suggestions on how to improve Grim's character if you have any.

I don't see the point of writing eight-page oneshots and letting the public see them if I don't get better at the craft. By the way, I still need a beta who's on the computer quite a lot.


	3. scream

Disclaimer: The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy belongs to Maxwell Atoms and Cartoon Network Studios. I own this piece of fanfiction and nothing else.

Can it be coincidence that clothing from my favorite cartoon is being sold in my favorite store, and that I have an unused giftcard worth $25 for such store? I think not. Two (so far) Billy and Mandy shirts are being sold at Hot Topic. Who do you think already has them both on order?

I'm a slut :-)

Summary: Loner and lover are just one letter apart.

**_scream _**

_m a n d y X g r i m X e r i s _

Two lovers walked side-by-side in the sweaty June sidewalks of Endsville, oblivious to the humidity and discomfort in the air. Today the sun was framed by heavy clouds but still managed to cast bars of light all over the town. Backs held up straight and proud, the lovers chattered animatedly and unashamedly in the morning light. He picked a flower—a cherry blossom, all folded and elegant—off a nearby tree and handed it to her. It bloomed in her palm, petals unfurling from the center. She smiled and placed the blossom behind her ear.

One silent little girl trailed far behind them, squinting whenever the sun's rays beat her. Her steps were timed with theirs as if controlled by a metronome, and her eyes stung as she watched.

She was considerably shorter than the two lovers; one of whom was not quite a man and the other not quite a woman. He wore a hooded robe and she a fashionable white wrap. His robe was black and absorbed the light, but being nothing more than a skeleton, the weather didn't affect him. She, on the other hand, wore pure and untainted white, but beads of sweat laced her flesh. She shined, all pretty and aglow.

It was a simple concept: the lovers loved, and those who were left out walked alone. Mandy brushed sweat off her forehead and walked on the strip of grass separating the pavement from the street. The lush blades muted the click of her Mary Janes.

Ahead, he was demonstrating something using his hands, and she gave a cute laugh, renewing his enthusiasm. Yet Mandy could clearly see a golden apple in the other woman's hand, and her eyes were darting, darting, searching for a target.

She didn't even love him, the slut. But he was still smitten at her every word.

The light zigzagged in awkward patterns on the ground, occasionally striking Mandy. She reached the cherry tree the lovers had passed and ripped out a fistful of blossoms, throwing them into the air. The wind picked them up and made them spin in a carpet of torn petals on the ground.

She especially hated how their hands were clasped together, bone holding godly skin. White contrasting with pale gold throughout the entire walk.

Holding hands was a symbol of unity; a symbol that stung her. Unity—a state of utter completion, of being perfect, of not needing any more.

They didn't need her. _He _didn't fucking need her. They had what they wanted, a perfect circle of gold, of joy, and she couldn't break in.

Goddesses were only concubines, she thought, whores for the supernatural. She could do better, but he'd never look at her when he could stare into the lovely deep blue, long-lashed eyes of someone divine instead.

The lovers turned a sharp left out of sight, still holding hands. She stopped where she stood. The sun disappeared behind clouds, then flashed raw once again right on her like a sizzling poker.

And she was hot and tired and sweaty and would always be alone.

-

The basement was chilly and unkempt, a dreary setting at best. In the middle of the room, a wooden trunk glowing with supernatural power stood with its lid open.

Today was a special day.

She tore through its contents in a rather desperate manner. At last, her hand surfaced, grasping something, and she shut the trunk.

In her hand was a pink, heart-shaped box with a floral pattern traced in white. Attached with a bright red ribbon was a single crimson rose, with a full stem and a fuller flower.

Yes, today was a special day.

The label on the box read: 'To Eris, my lovely: Happy Valentine's Day. Only the best for you! Grim.'

Her breath caught in her throat. Should she laugh? Should she cry?

Should she mourn…?

Instead, she tore the ribbon from the box and let it flutter disgracefully to the floor. And hearing her heart in her ears, she ripped off the lid and held the box upside-down, causing showers of chocolates to pour out. She crushed them with the heel of her shoe, later wiping off the sticky, sugary fillings onto the box, effectively trampling it. The label was unintelligible now from the smears of candy.

But there was something left, something still whole. She grabbed the rose and snapped its stem. Fluid leaked from the broken ends and she dropped the flower, devastating its petals with her foot. Breathing quite audibly, she sunk to the ground and stared at her work. Was it possible to die from something as clichéd as a 'broken heart?'

The adrenaline slowly simmered away from her. Mandy stood up and carefully pushed the mess over to one wall. She left the basement.

Upstairs, Grim was on the couch. He caught her eye and beamed. "Mon, I can't wait for seven o' clock. Eris and I are going out for a Valentine's dinner, and I got her de perfect present! I'm gonna get it now so I have it ready when she comes."

Eyes on the ground, she skulked over to the door and stepped outside into the sunlight.

Before she left, she caught a few of his words as he disappeared downstairs. "By de way—Happy Valentine's Day, Mandy!"

She paused.

"You too," she said flatly, and slammed the door shut.

**.End.**

Envy is a beautiful thing, so long as you aren't the one who feels it.

Constructive criticism encouraged, since 'appreciated' apparently didn't get me much (It's going to turn into 'Constructive criticism fucking _expected_' if I don't get any soon).

In other news: I strongly recommend tiramisu-flavored gelato.


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